||[Apr. 22nd, 2005|12:25 am]
|||||Never Do Anything - BNL||]|
anhedonia(n.): the inability to gain pleasure from normally pleasurable experiences
A long time ago, I promised myself that I would stop wasting my time on random activities that add up to absolutely nothing and spend every second improving myself. Not updating my LJ was a part of that, but I never really had anything to say anyway. I still don't, unless random teen angst counts. However, it's late and I still can't do anything right so I shall rant for the pure joy of it. No one really reads this anyway and I don't know what I'm really writing about. I am fully aware that most things I write might eventually incriminate me later, but if i was really thinking about that seriously I wouldn't be writing this at all.
A list of things:
-Sometime in the past four years, my writing lost whatever personal touch it ever had and became dull and droning even to me, which is why I dislike writing at this current moment in time.
-I perpetually feel I am at fault for everything and I might even be right.
-I think too slowly to do well on certain tests and I don't think at all before I talk.
-I REALLY don't like myself all that much.
-My mom says I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve so much.
-I truly lack maturity.
-Most days I can't feel all that close to anyone.
-I don't want my mother to have to clean up after me and I wish I could help her w/ things, but whenever I can help, she has nothing to do, and when I get busy, she is occupied w/ washing the laundry or dishes, picking up something I left behind, etc.
More on wasting time
There is a whole stack of things I like to do that I don't do because whenever I sit down to waste time in an organized fashion, I feel far too much guilt over not doing homework or chores to enjoy myself. So I get to my desk and on my laptop, and end up wasting time online without accomplishing anything. Does this happen to you often?