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scaramouche4

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On Self-Pity [Apr. 10th, 2006|11:14 pm]
scaramouche4
Looking through my rather short life, I cannot find many things to be genuinely troubled by. Yet, I have claimed more than my fair share of teenage angst. The more I see of the world and the more I read of other people and their desperate situations, I increasingly feel like the proverbial “poor little rich boy.” I have never wanted for much (my parents have graciously seen to that) beyond some self-confidence, which is my fault more than anyone else’s. Thus, in a perverse way I tend to envy the stereotypical chauvinistic male for his macho, blissfully ignorant ego. In the past I have heard that various philosophers and females wish that males were more sensitive; I feel far too sensitive already. Thus, those who know me well may have seen me attempt to poorly emulate some of the worst stereotypical traits of the male gender in a vain attempt to inspire some sort of bravado and brashness within myself.

In the end, however, I usually end up talking to myself in some form or another, this idle composition being a prime example. Consequently, I also realize that I am rather self-absorbed, to the detriment of me forming any particularly meaningful relationships. As a side effect, I find myself not keeping up with my friends’ LJs’ either, because I ultimately trap myself in a mental cage of my own devising. All I ever do is talk to myself or another person about my indecisiveness without reaching a decision.
Therefore, I find myself completing a full circle of the expected emo-kid behavior: writing a pretentiously worded composition on being angsty.

Oh goody.
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Encapsulation [Feb. 5th, 2006|02:17 am]
scaramouche4
[mood |I never know.]
[music |SR-71 - "Last Man on the Moon"]

As I sit here in my dorm room I tend to ponder many things, especially phone calls from my parents. Last quarter, my parents called me almost daily, but this quarter they only call me every other day. This does not bother me in the least because I am often frustrated that I do not have much to say to them at all. I like talking to my parents about my day and things I have done, but lately that has mostly consisted of studying and running minor errands. Rarely can I even remember what I have done for most of the day. Anyway, I usually end up whining about schoolwork most of the time to my parents, which brings out frustrations in me that I myself do not recognize when I study. So that is precisely why having a couple of days to gather experiences before my parents call suits me perfectly.

I just have to wonder if this points to a larger problem of my obsessiveness with my studies: I can sit down for hours and study, but before I get started my time is filled with distractions. Yet, the thought of my studies bothers me so much that I cannot even throw myself wholeheartedly into my distractions, thus nullifying their purpose. This inner struggle occupies much of my time, and I cannot help but wonder if I am properly balancing my life and crossing paths with other lives I should be.

In short I miss all you guys.
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Or does it explode? [Sep. 8th, 2005|01:02 pm]
scaramouche4
[mood |confusedconfused]
[music |"Falling Out" - Relient K]

Mein gott in himmel, the UC Davis course selection guidelines are quite byzantine. Then again, I have no idea what I want to do with my life, so maybe that makes course selection even harder. I'm quite scared of commitment in general, which probably why I fear choosing a major once and for all. I don't know myself all that well and I really wonder if I have any true ambitions at all. Most of the time I just want to chill and live slowly.
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And he was witness to the second coming of the light... [Sep. 1st, 2005|11:50 pm]
scaramouche4
[mood |blankblank]

So we're all going off to college...and many of you are already at college. As we won't have the luxury of speaking face-to-face anymore, I'm going to make a real effort to update this at least every week. I am also working to qualify for the Navy SEAL's physical tests for candidates, but we'll see which of these two resolutions actually last in a few weeks. All I really want to say now is that I love you all and wish nothing but the best. Many lives can run parallel for just a little while, but that doesn't mean they can't ever come back together.
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I need a HUD [Apr. 25th, 2005|11:24 pm]
scaramouche4
[mood |lazylazy]
[music |"Super Mario 64 The Alternate Route OC ReMix"]

A good day for me is a day when I don't forget to do a single thing; when I never miss a beat. The world shall end when this happens.

Notice: Kurei shall find out a little bit more about how twisted I am tomorrow.
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Burnination [Apr. 22nd, 2005|12:25 am]
scaramouche4
[mood |blankblank]
[music |Never Do Anything - BNL]

anhedonia(n.): the inability to gain pleasure from normally pleasurable experiences


A long time ago, I promised myself that I would stop wasting my time on random activities that add up to absolutely nothing and spend every second improving myself. Not updating my LJ was a part of that, but I never really had anything to say anyway. I still don't, unless random teen angst counts. However, it's late and I still can't do anything right so I shall rant for the pure joy of it. No one really reads this anyway and I don't know what I'm really writing about. I am fully aware that most things I write might eventually incriminate me later, but if i was really thinking about that seriously I wouldn't be writing this at all.

A list of things:
-Sometime in the past four years, my writing lost whatever personal touch it ever had and became dull and droning even to me, which is why I dislike writing at this current moment in time.

-I perpetually feel I am at fault for everything and I might even be right.

-I think too slowly to do well on certain tests and I don't think at all before I talk.

-I REALLY don't like myself all that much.

-My mom says I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve so much.

-I truly lack maturity.

-Most days I can't feel all that close to anyone.

-I don't want my mother to have to clean up after me and I wish I could help her w/ things, but whenever I can help, she has nothing to do, and when I get busy, she is occupied w/ washing the laundry or dishes, picking up something I left behind, etc.

More on wasting time
There is a whole stack of things I like to do that I don't do because whenever I sit down to waste time in an organized fashion, I feel far too much guilt over not doing homework or chores to enjoy myself. So I get to my desk and on my laptop, and end up wasting time online without accomplishing anything. Does this happen to you often?
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Bitchiness [Oct. 26th, 2004|06:39 pm]
scaramouche4
[mood |groggygroggy]
[music |"Sadeness" - Enigma]

Somehow everyone and everything seems more bitchtastic on Livejournals. I often see my friends vent hidden frustrastions and wax poetic on various complaints all over their LJ's and never mention these things in person. Compounding my problem, I feel way more whiny whenever I even see a LJ and this still carries over to my normal life. There is something distinctly different about complaining in person to someone else face-to-face. Then again, each and every one of us puts on an Oscar winning performance each and every day simply by going to school or anyplace else with other people. When one is alone, the masks of the day drop away and all that's left is the real person or a really bitchy troll. Or perhaps most people are bitchy trolls within their own heads. Of course, I realize that I am probably the worst offender of all.

More KuRei Bashing: (also in Andrew's AIM profile)

Flux4287: are you getting rumble roses, too?
AzNxBa77eR: no
AzNxBa77eR: lol
AzNxBa77eR: that game looks stupid
AzNxBa77eR: kerui is just getting it for the virtual cleavage

n00b starburst: [KeRui's] blood circulation's really bad too, so if joyce like randomly hugged him, hed faint

Pwnage.
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Christ Almighty..... [May. 17th, 2004|06:17 pm]
scaramouche4
[mood |sleepysleepy]
[music |Our Lady Peace - "Innocent"]

Generate your Anime Style by Jena-su
Name:
Hair:Never stays the same style/colour for long.
Clothes:Leather, belts, chains, bondage pants, collars, and tight shirts.
Powers:Dark magic
Special Features:Unusual, yet natural markings
Sidekick:Large dragon.
Attitude:Cold and quiet.
Weapon:Shuriken
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!
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How I feel this early in the morning [Feb. 18th, 2004|01:24 am]
scaramouche4
(J-Pop) the pillows: Subhuman (N/A)



Goodbye
I must be leaving now
Because maybe
I'm full of likes and dislikes
The noise on the street is unbearable
But maybe
I have got nowhere to go

So I wanna be a bat
And I want to touch the sun
I will try to force a smile

I cannot stand this heat
Please tell me
Where I am right now

I woke up at midnight again
Oh baby
I did not know what to do next
I can't see
But I can feel, all the time
Oh baby
I have got nothing to lose

Just I wanna be a bat
And I want the shining star
I will try to force a cry

I cannot stand this heat
Please tell me
Where I am right now

Contributed by Zellas
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Live Journal isn't a journal per se [Feb. 17th, 2004|09:43 pm]
scaramouche4
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |"Un Giorno Credi" - Gigi D'Agostino]

I can' t say everything to myself that I want to in live journal because you should never have any incriminating evidence in writing, especially in a public area. Hence, I keep a paper journal that everyone who finds it reads anyway. So I've come to the conclusion that a live journal is simply a sort of forum for me to reflect on things that happen to me and have people respond to it sooner or later. I'd like to know why other people feel they keep an LJ too, so leave a comment if you want.
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